Tough Love Page 6
The next night, I called Grandma Nancy to ask if she knew where Brendan was. I wanted him to know how I felt and that even though we weren’t going to be together, I did still want to be friends. But before I could get the question out of my mouth, she told me that he was gone.
“Gone?” I asked with surprise. “What do you mean he’s gone?”
“Terry and Becky came home from the store last night and all of his stuff was packed and gone. Brendan was nowhere to be found.”
“Where is he? I mean, he has to be somewhere, right?” There was panic in my voice as I stammered over my words.
“Florida is all I can guess.”
Of course. He was with his lovers. Brendan did the only thing he knew how to do. When everything else was falling apart, he knew that they would accept him. And so they did.
I MET THE nurse on my way back to the waiting room.
“He's sleeping,” I told her.
“That's great news, thank you Janessa.”
I stumbled back to the family. I had been with Brendan less than an hour, yet the room looked quite different. Several people had gotten pillows and blankets out and were preparing to get some rest, a sign Mom and I should go to her house and come back in the morning.
I called Nate once I had said hello to my dad and gotten settled.
“How did your day go?” I asked,
“Fine.” There was a hesitation. This was a delicate situation.
“Hey, thank you for letting me to come to Toledo. I know it wasn't easy for you to say yes,” I told him.
“You're right, it wasn't.” I could hear traces of hurt in his voice. “I don't like this, and I certainly don't understand it, but I know it's what you needed.”
“Yeah, but not every husband would have been okay with all this.”
He chuckled. “Well, I guess you’re just lucky aren't you?”
“That I am.”
We said goodnight, and I immediately went to bed. The past forty-eight hours had been exhausting. I fell asleep quickly and did not wake until the sun rose.
I STRUGGLED WITH Brendan’s decision for a long time. I knew he had made the best choice for both of us, and I could not fault him for that. But I did not understand how he could put me through all of that pain and then just leave. I thought that he owed me more than that. In hindsight, I realized he did give me more. He gave me life and, although it took a while, the chance to love again.
Very little in my life was staying the same. Brendan was gone, making my family unit solid once again. It had taken a few weeks, but the relationship between my parents and me was slowly recovering as I once again gained their trust.
School was beginning soon, but I would not return to the familiar halls of Macomber; instead, I would attend Waite High School in the morning and Libbey High School in the afternoon.
The friendship Aimee and I shared was stronger than ever. We spent every spare minute together.
Now that I was attending two schools, I had some new friends as well. We all rode the bus to Libbey in the middle of the day, which gave us time to talk and get to know each other. I was having a lot of fun and found it easy to get back into the regular high school routine. I did not miss the drama of having a boyfriend.
I was on the bus a few weeks into the school year when I saw something fly out of the corner of my eye and land on the seat next to me. It was a note from the only guy who rode our bus.
I read the note over and over again, making sure that I was seeing it correctly. Slowly I turned around to see Micah beaming at me from two seats back. I returned the smile and held up one finger, letting him know that I’d get back with him in a minute. I took out a pen and wrote a note back.
I turned around and reached to give him back the piece of paper. He took it, read it and then looked up with a smile.
“So I can call you tonight then?” he asked.
“Sure. Oh, here’s my stop. I’ll talk to you later.”
My friends and I got off the bus and went inside to wait in the cafeteria as usual.
“What was that all about?” Vicki wondered.
“Yeah, I saw that little exchange, too. Spill it, girl,” joked Paige.
I pulled my chair closer to theirs even though we were the only three people in the cafeteria.
“His note said that he thinks I’m pretty and he wanted to know if I’d go out with him.”
“Oh, my gosh, what did you say?”
“That I couldn’t say yes or no right now because I don’t even know him. But I did give him my number.”
Vicki gasped while Paige held her hand up for a high-five.
“He’s supposed to call tonight,” I told them as I slapped her hand.
We talked about Micah while we ate. We all agreed that he was cute, with his collar-length, curly brown hair. He seemed really nice. The thought of having a boyfriend again was exciting, but I didn’t know if I was ready. It wasn’t just the drama that I was afraid of. There was the pain that I caused my family the last time I’d gone steady with a boy. I had learned the hard way that if my family didn’t approve, then he was not the right guy. I wanted to get to know Micah slowly and have him meet my family before I made any decisions.
Micah called that night, but I could not talk long.
“Lots of homework,” I told him. I promised that I would sit next to him on the bus the next morning so that we could continue our conversation. Before we hung up, there was one more thing he needed to know.
“Listen, before you even decide if you want to be my friend, there’s something I have to tell you.”
“Sure, what’s up?” he asked.
“I’ve only been single for a couple of months now, and it was a really bad break up. So, I want to take everything really slow because I’m not looking for much right now. I just need you to know that, okay?”
“Okay, I can live with that,” he replied. “So I’ll see you tomorrow then, right?”
“Absolutely!” I confirmed. “And I’ll save you a seat. Bye.”
I felt better after telling Micah how I felt. Not that calling Brendan and I “a bad break up” even began to cover it, but it would suffice for now; I would tell him more if we ended up being together.
Micah and I sat next to each other the rest of the week. We talked about all sorts of things, but I never felt it was the right time to tell him about Brendan. I still wasn’t sure that I was ready for another committed relationship.
Maybe if he met my family, I thought to myself. Maybe that will help me feel better about things.
“Would you like to come to church with me this Sunday?” I asked him on Friday afternoon. “Well, with my family, I mean.”
“That sounds fun. What time should I be there?”
“We leave the house at 9, and don’t be late because Daddy is very strict about the timing,” I explained.
Micah began riding the city bus to my house each Sunday morning, making sure he was there well before the 9 o’clock deadline. My family really liked him right away, and we became closer as the weeks went on. I was running out of reasons why we shouldn’t be an official couple.
During the last week of September, I told him I would be his girlfriend. His smile seemed to reach from ear to ear, and he kissed me, but there was no spark, no excitement. I felt a twinge in the pit of my stomach as Brendan’s face flashed across my mind. No matter how much I wanted to feel starry-eyed about Micah, Brendan still held my heart. Kissing someone else made me want to cry all over again.
I did my best to focus on this new relationship I was building, trying not to let the past cloud the new memories I was making. It wasn’t easy but by the time Halloween came around Micah and I were as any new couple should be – having fun at the football games and going to church parties. We even attended the Homecoming Dance with my friend Vicki and her boyfriend. Things were going so well, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And of course it did just that.
Micah and I were watching a traditio
nal Thanksgiving Day football game when the phone rang. I hopped up and ran to the kitchen, telling the guys to keep watching the TV.
“Happy Thanksgiving.” The voice on the other end was achingly familiar. I swallowed hard.
“Hi. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“I, ah, I just wanted to see if you were doing okay.”
I bit hard on my lip. I wanted to scream at him, and I wanted to cry. Instead I kept my voice steady while I answered.
“Everything is great. Absolutely great.” I thought of Micah sitting in the other room. “Really.”
“I’m glad.” He sounded sincere, but at the same time, there was that almost intimate quality to his voice that drew me back, threatened to seduce me.
“Well, listen, I’ve got to go.” I wanted to ask how he was doing, where he was, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to know. “I’ve got, um, company.”
“Okay. Take care.” He didn’t hang up, and I had to force myself to speak again.
“You, too. Bye.” I ended the call, but the turmoil it caused within me was just beginning.
I went back to where Micah was sitting on the couch, and he asked where I’d been. I sighed and tried to smile, grabbing his hand and pulling him up with me.
“We need to talk. C’mon.”
I led him up the steps to my bedroom and continued to hold his hand while he sat down. I was already in tears, the guilt and shame spilling over. I knew that it was time to tell him everything about Brendan; even if he didn’t need to hear it, I needed to say it.
I felt so relieved, getting all of the emotion and constant worry off my shoulders. Micah sat and listened, never letting go of my hand. When I was finished, he asked if Brendan was out of my life for good.
“I think so. Well, I thought so, until he called today. I mean, he’s still in Florida living with the two guys he left me for, so yeah, I guess.”
Micah nodded. “Okay. That’s good because you’re with me now, and I want it to stay that way.”
“Really?” I was so relieved. “I didn’t think you would want to still be my boyfriend after you knew about him. I mean, I was practically engaged to a gay man, for God’s sake! But I’m not going to question you, I’m just going to be happy about it.”
I gave him a hug and kiss, shaking my head as I thought about how lucky I was to have another chance at loving someone. I was only 16 years old, but my time with Brendan had done so much damage that I wasn’t sure anyone else would want to be with me. Each day I spent with Micah was another chance for my self-esteem to heal, to build.
Since we’d spent most of Thanksgiving Day at my house, I told Micah we should spend Christmas at his. I had a wonderful morning with my family before Mom drove me over to his place for lunch. When I walked in to the little house that Micah shared with his mom and brother, I noticed there was a two-person table set up in his bedroom for us to eat. It was not fancy, but it was very charming and we had a wonderful time.
“Are you ready to open your presents?” he asked when we’d finished eating.
I couldn’t hide my excitement. “Yes!”
Micah went to their tree and picked up a small package wrapped in red paper with pictures of Rudolph and Santa on it. He returned, beaming with anticipation. I could see the eagerness on his face while I opened the little box. I gasped; it was a stunning pearl and white gold ring.
“Micah, oh my gosh. This is so beautiful!”
“I’m glad you like it,” he responded, lifting the ring out of the box and placing it in the palm of my hand. “I’m not going to put it on you because I don’t want you to think that I have any ideas, but I wanted you to have it as my promise that I’m not going anywhere.” He lifted my chin to look me straight in the eye. “I will not leave you like he did. You have my word.”
With tears in my eyes and shaking hands, I picked up the ring and placed it on the ring finger of my right hand. I almost felt guilty. I did not want to mislead him in any way. I was not ready for anything more than a high school romance, and it was important to me that Micah understood that. But the commitment we were making at this moment was important as well: that we would stay together unless one of us felt we were not meant to be.
I met his eyes and leaned in to kiss him deeply. “Thank you, Micah. I really love it!”
The rest of Christmas Day was lovely, having fun and laughing together. We went outside in the Ohio cold for a snowball fight, then came in dripping and freezing for some delicious hot chocolate. Before I left that night, Micah’s mom, Lora, pulled me aside to tell me more about my ring.
“This was my ring when I was with Micah’s father, and although we aren’t together anymore, the ring still means a lot to me. Be good to it, Janessa.”
“I will. Thank you for trusting me with it.”
“You’re welcome. The only thing that I ask is that if for some reason you don’t become my daughter-in-law, Micah gets it back.”
I smiled at her. “I can live with that.”
Just then I heard the honk of Mom’s car, so I gave Lora a hug, kissed Micah goodbye and headed out the door. I hopped in the car, welcoming the warmth of the heater on my cold fingertips. I wasn't quite ready to show the ring to my mom, so I conveniently hid my right hand under my thigh while we talked about my evening.
As we chatted, I couldn't help but think of Brendan. It was Christmas Day, after all, and I wondered what he was doing at that moment. Was he at a party or a club with his new friends? Were he, Justin, and Greg exchanging gifts the way lovers do? I felt guilty for even thinking of him when I had Micah’s ring on my finger…
That night I dreamed of Brendan placing an engagement ring on my finger, with my smiling family surrounding us. It was perfect, and that's how I knew it would never come true.
Micah and I were having so much fun being a couple. Time was going fast, and it wasn’t long before we were thinking about prom and preparing for finals. We had decided several months earlier that we would attend his prom, since it was his senior year; I still had the next year to enjoy my senior prom. I continued to proudly wear the ring he had given me for Christmas on my right hand. I liked for others to know that I was his, but I still wasn’t ready for anything more than a high school romance.
Every now and then, Brendan called from Florida. It was always a shock to my system when I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end. At the same time, I was always happy to hear from him. Sure, it made the ache of his leaving worse, but there was something there that I still needed. It was almost like I had an affinity for the pain; I had to hold onto him somehow, and if reliving the hurt was the only way it would happen, then so be it.
Sometime around March, I asked Mom her thoughts on me wearing a dress I already owned to Micah’s prom. After thinking it over for a few minutes, she said that a good seamstress would be able to think of something new that could be done with the old dress. We found a pattern that would be both beautiful and flattering and took it with us to the dress shop.
The seamstress looked over what we brought and said I’d made a great choice. She took out her measuring tape and pincushion, and began to work her magic while I stood on the pedestal and tried to imagine what I would look like on prom night with Micah by my side.
I was at the prom sitting under the thousands of lights that had been strung up. My date had gone to get us something to drink because “dancing makes me thirsty,” I’d said. I closed my eyes and swayed to the soft music of Boyz II Men singing End of the Road. I felt someone touch my elbow and looked up into Brendan’s deep brown eyes. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, I reached up to take his out stretched hand. He pulled me onto the dance floor, and we stood in an embrace as we swayed back and forth to the music.
“Janessa!” my mother hollered, breaking me from the amazing vision. “You’re going to get stuck with a pin if you don’t hold still. What were you doing anyway? I called your name three times.”
Even though I felt a pang of betrayal, I allowed my mind to wander back to the daydream I’d been having. Careful not to move with the music this time, I thought of another portion of the evening. Brendan and I were outside on the balcony, enjoying the sunset over the Maumee River. We could hear the music in the background, but we seemed to be in our own world, laughing at words I could not hear. But I didn’t need to hear them; I could tell that we were together and we were happy. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t sure that I was happy with Micah. He was a great guy, and my family liked him a lot but there was just something missing.
We finished up at the dress shop and headed home. I put the thoughts of Brendan out of my mind for the time being. What was I doing anyway? Pretending that he still loved me? He had left me for two other people, two men. He had made his choice, and I had to live with that.
I planned every detail and was ready to go when Micah arrived at my house on prom night. He looked so handsome in his traditional black tuxedo and fresh haircut.
“You look amazing!” I told him with a smile.
“And you are beautiful tonight.” He leaned in to give me a welcoming kiss. He opened a box to reveal a beautiful wrist corsage with two peach roses and five white carnations. I was beaming when he placed it on my right arm. Then I took the matching boutonnière and placed it on his left lapel.
I led him into the house where my parents were waiting with the camera. We spent about thirty minutes taking all of the traditional pictures at my house before heading to his place to do the same. Then we were off to dinner.
We headed to Mancy’s for dinner. The atmosphere was so nice – soft Italian music playing, lights down low and candles everywhere.